Live Life with No Regrets

I recently lost my father unexpectedly from sudden cardiac arrest. The journey that I was thrust into with my mom, brother and immediate family has given me a deeper and broader perspective of life, its meaning and its fragility. As a geriatrician, death is something that I deal with on a weekly (if not daily) basis. I have conversations with people about death and dying. I fill out death certificates. I perform CPR on patients. I pronounce people dead. What I haven’t ever been a part of though (until recently), is sitting in a cold funeral home with an uncompassionate funeral director picking out a casket for my own father.

I have always treated my patients with the compassion and respect that I would give my own parents. I answer any questions they have and treat their adult children with the same respect that I would hope to be treated with.   I make myself available and try not to leave any rock unturned. After losing my father, I realize how important kindness and compassion during a difficult time really is.

What I am going to be sharing today is not a prescription for life written by an M.D, but merely some thoughts on life from a grieving daughter . Things that my father’s sudden death have taught me:

1. Spend as much time as we can with those we care about.

My parents fortunately have always lived a very full and independent life.   Unfortunately, however, they do not live in the same state as me. We make an effort to see each other often…which usually turns out to be every 3 months or so. I feel blessed to have spent a week with my father about 3 weeks before he died. He and my mother came out to visit in September “just because”. We were able to celebrate my mother’s 67^th birthday before they headed off to Vegas (one of their favorite places to go). During this week, we didn’t do anything special, but my kids got to spend time with their grandparents and I got to spend some quality time with both of my parents. I will forever remember and appreciate the time I spent with my dad during their visit.

I also realize that “time” spent together does not have to mean physical time spent together. Time spent talking can be just as meaningful, and in my case, it definitely was. I always complain about my long commute to and from work, however, if it were not for my commute, I would not have had the time that I did with my dad on the phone only 2 days before his death. I will forever cherish that 40-minute conversation that we had full of laughs, advice and everything in between.

2. Show those that we care about just how much we do care about them while we can.

My dad did not show love and compassion with words of affection or hugs or kisses. Instead, he would wash dishes incessantly and accommodate any request that was made. He would fix things around the house, take out the trash and take his grandson to Disney World for his 10^th birthday. Initially after my dad’s death, I felt guilt about not telling him more often how much I loved him. I realized, though, that I knew just how much my dad loved me through his actions without him having to tell me (with words). I accept now that he knew that I loved him as well even without me telling him…..I have no regrets.

3. We need to recognize and embrace the positive qualities that each of us possesses.

It wasn’t until I was writing my dad’s eulogy that I recognized one of his most positive and unique qualities: he never complained. My dad was the most devoted and hard working father you could imagine. He did not show his love through words or hugs or kisses, but instead, his love was shown with his devotion and constant attention to our needs. He packed our school lunches everyday. He tirelessly drove my brother and me all around town (to school, music lessons, sporting events, etc). I have no memory of him ever complaining or even seeming annoyed about any of this. I think I would have appreciated my dad even more had I realized these qualities while he was still alive. My mother would always recite to me Serenity Prayer I would read it….but did not “get it” like my mom obviously did. I do now.

4. Offer your love and support to those who have suffered a loss.

I have sent out some sympathy cards in the past, but didn’t think it made much difference. What I soon realized after my father’s death is that every text message, every card, every bit of food or flower arrangement, every offer to help and every telephone call really does matter. As humans, we have the ability to feel emotions and communicate these emotions with words and actions. We should use them and use them wisely.

What I learned with my father’s death is not something that I learned in medical school. Losing my father has given me an even more compassionate view of life. As a physician, I can diagnose. I can prescribe medications. I can even prolong life to some extent. I realize though, that I cannot take away the pain of losing someone. I do hope that I can offer reassurance to each and every one of you to know that we can all make a difference in the lives of those with whom we are lucky enough to encounter. We can offer love, kindness, and respect to each other. We can love like there will be no tomorrow…because there just might not be. Live a life with no regrets!